36 - 28.

Rock chalk, you lousy, overrated, chumps.

Firsts.

Number One took her first couple of bottles of pumped b-milk yesterday. No fuss, no problem. A relief for all involved - especially Mom.

Omi and Rick were in town this weekend to visit Number One, and I needed a hair cut, so the collective decision was made to make a family outing of it.

It was a day of firsts for Number One. She got to wear pants. Go somewhere that wasn't the grocery store (the first trip to the market was on Wednesday). And go to a restaurant.

The restaurant - a half-way upscale sushi spot - was the trickiest part, obviously. Would she cry? How would the waitstaff react? What would we do if she went full-on apoplectic? Would we be "those parents" who dared have a screaming baby in a grown-up eating establishment?

Aside from some initial awkwardness with the 17-year-old hostess ("Does your party of four include the baby?" "Um, no. There are clearly four adults here, and the baby will not need her own chair...") everything went perfectly. Number One slept the whole time, we had a nice lunch, and instead of being "those parents" we were the parents with Such a Good Baby.

Victories!

The Environment, Introduction.

Don't call me a Treehugger. Because I'm not. I'm a corporate attorney at a large law firm that defends industrial polluters against enforcement actions brought by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.

Don't call me an Eco-freak, or Enviro, or Stinkin' Hippie. Because I'm not. I negotiate slaps on the wrist, and influence regulatory agencies to write rules that are lax on industry.

But don't say "The Environment" like it's a smear like "liberal" or (god-forbid) "socialized medicine."

The environment is apolitical. Rivers don't catch on fire because of Democrats. And clouds of toxic pollutants don't just kill Republicans. We all breath the air, and drink the water, and want our kids to have the opportunity to see wildlife in its native habitat.

But the Politicians have made The Environment political. (The Environment is a political construct, the environment is where we all live.) They have convinced the 95 percent of Americans who know little or nothing about the environment that people are either liberal, treehugging, Environmentalists (the worst smear); or they are freedom-loving, god-fearing Americans. (Americans do not want The Government protecting the Spotted Owl at the expense of the corporate bottom line - I mean the jobs of hardworking loggers.)

And when I say 95 percent of Americans know nothing about the environment, I don't mean it as an insult - I understand, that most people have other things to worry about. All I mean is that most people don't actually know what is being emitted from factories or in what quantities (actually, quite a lot of bad stuff), and they don't know what is being done about it. Which is not to say that they should. Environmental professionals can spend their whole career working on just a piece of the Clean Air Act.

If I could do one thing to improve the environment, I would de-politicize it so that we can all figure out how to live in a cleaner, healthier place. Because if The Environment continues to be political tool wielded in the battle between Democrats and Republicans, "Liberals" and "Conservatives," Hippies and Corporate Fascists, the only thing that will suffer will be all of us.

New Clothes.

Pop and Grammy are coming today, so Number One gets to wear a skirt for the first time. Who knew a jean skirt from the Gap could look so Amish?

I told SuperWife that I'm thinking of converting to Amishism to set a good example for Number One (Part of my long-term strategy to keep her away from those damn teenage boys). She was skeptical.

Changing Expectations.

I somehow thought that when I became a parent I would start believing all sorts of parent-like things, like that Zero Tolerance is a good policy in schools or that we should have 1,000 junky plastic toys all over the house.

But it's not true. I'm still the same guy with the same crazy ideas - only now I have a kiddo.

Maybe its because the parents I most associate with parenthood are those that I saw growing up in the suburbs, and they all seemed to think the same. But maybe that's just how I remember things.

Maybe it's like quitting smoking. Some (most) people after they quit act like they're repulsed by the very idea of smoking and go on a campaign to convert all of their smoking (former) friends. Me, I still think smoking's cool and sometimes wish I could still do it. In fact, I encourage smokers to keep it up.

Which brings me to a sort of related topic. I was talking to a client yesterday, and we were going through the whole New Baby spiel. I said what SuperWife oftens says, "People always tell you that your life will be totally different, but you don't really understand until they're born."

And the client (a man) said: "And they almost always say it as a negative. They never talk about all the wonderful ways it will change."

Most of the men in my office say things like: "To be honest, after two weeks at home with a screaming baby, you'll be glad to come back to work."

Let's be honest. That's a fucking lie.

Smile.

I came home from work for lunch today, and Number One was ready for a nappy change right on schedule. So to the changing table we went, and she, of course, does her best fountain impression.

So two diapers later, she's changed and re-dressed.

Then she looks up at me, appears for the first time to have real recognition, and smiles the biggest grin you've ever seen.

It was maybe the coolest thing that's happened to me ever.

Milk money.

Papa: Good morning, Number One. I hope you enjoy being two weeks old, because, next week you're going to have to start learning the difference between the Cubists and the Dadaists.

Number One: Why?

Papa: Because if you don't start learning art movements, common literary themes and quantum physics, now, you'll get behind. Then you'll never get into a good pre-school; you'll never get into Harvard; and you'll never be an investment banker.

Number One: The only thing I want is milk. Why do I need to be an investment banker?

Papa: Because you need to buy designer milk in fancy packaging.

Number One: ???

Aqua Beads.

Aqua Beads are super mega awesome!*

So are the eight other toys recalled today. It was a bad day for Schylling (you can't make these names up), which had five toys recalled, including this robot from the future:

And even I might have bought this rad toy funny car (the irony keeps coming). Naw. I'm not a Mopar guy...

* Caution: Aqua Beads are a product of the Children Loving Repbulic of China (motto: We don't kill our baby girls, and we won't kill yours!) and may contain GHB, a.k.a. The Date Rape Drug. Any claims of super mega awesomeness reflect only the views of China where "super mega awesome" means "will cause child to go into a non-responsive coma." Aqua Beads should only be used When She Is Asking For It.

Back to Work.

I'm back at the real job, now, working for The Man. I would much rather be at home changing nappies.

Anyway, Number One had her two-week appointment today. I scored an exact hit with my prediction that she would be up to 8 pounds. Mom was skeptical at my guess, but was happy that the little one is now well above her birth weight.

This means that now Mom doesn't have to set the alarm every three hours for feedings during the night. We can just let Number One sleep until she wakes up howling for the bosom. I'm not sure if it will be an improvement overall, but maybe we'll get lucky... No... I'm not even going to say it... Knock on wood for even thinking it...

Diaper quest.

First, I'm peeved again at the Baby Industrial Complex. Then a discussion of nappies.*

All through the pregnancy, there is the litany of magazines and the gift registering and the Babies R Us telling you all about all of things you "need" to have before the baby arrives. It's nonsense.

It's like how they tell you that you need this or that for the perfect wedding, but when it comes down to it, the only thing you really need is someone else who will say "I do."

With Number One, here's what we've "needed" so far:

1. Car seat. (Actually, I'm glad I spent a fair amount of time researching this, but the information at car-safety.org was much more helpful than anything I found in any magazine's buyer's guide. Them folks in the Forums are obsessed with car seats.)

2. Our Bugaboo Frog (Admittedly, probably not something that we need, but we use it all the time. Number One sleeps in it in bassinet mode day and night, and it's super convenient to put her in while we cook and eat dinner, etc. I can honestly say that it's been one of the most useful things we have.)

3. Some clothes that fit and aren't totally off the Cute Scale. My current favorite is this kimono-style bodysuit. It opens up, so it's easy to get her into it without pulling it over her head.

4. And finally, nappies and wipes. As chief nappy changer, this is the one area in which I'm becoming competent and moderately knowledgeable.

In the hospital, we had the standard-issue Pampers, which were fine, but to me, smell much too strongly of deodorant and whatever other chemicals they put in them to make them impervious to moisture. Not to mention the Elmos and the whatnot all over them. The quest begins.

The first option was cotton. Before Number One arrived, I enrolled us with a diaper service for cloth diapers. I find them to be only marginally more trouble than disposables, but I haven't got total buy-in from Mom yet. They're a little bulky, but Number One seems to be slightly happier when I first put them on. The dry, breathable cotton on a freshly-wiped bum seems much nicer than the air-tight disposables.

The only drawback is they don't wick away the moisture like the disposables, so you have to be right on top of things with your changes. Unfortunately, Number One doesn't always let us know right away when there's an issue, so it's hard to know sometimes if we're changing her fast enough.

The National Association of Diaper Services has a ton of information on using cloth on their site. I'm still positive on the cloth, but it looks like it might ultimately depend on Mom after I go back to work.

I've also been using the Seventh Generation, chlorine-free variety. These fit well, don't smell like a chemical factory, and seem to be a good compromise between cloth and disposables. Obviously, they're not totally "green" (whatever that means), but I like supporting a corporation that at least purports to care about the environment. Also, they seem to be far less toxic overall than the Pampers-Huggies varieties. I won't reinvent the wheel here, because MamaStories has already posted a ton of research on this topic.

As for wipes, we've also been using the Seventh Generation, but she goes through so many that I want to make sure I'm using the gentlest ones we can find. It's astounding at how many times in a row she can go...and spaced just awkwardly enough...just when you think it's safe to put on the clean nappy...

More on this later.

Things we have yet to need: pack and play; play mat or anything else with sounds or bells and whistles; a swing; pretty much everything else they're selling.

* Really, this post was intended to deal only with diapers, but then I started thinking about how nappies are the one thing that occupy most of my time with Number One and how everything else has mattered very little. Needless to say the post morphed into how they sell, sell, sell you crap you don't need while neglecting the things that you really do.