what the world needs...

Pink and grammar.

2009-07-22T20:52:00.002-05:00

Despite my best efforts, Number One has worn an awful lot of pink in her short life. Now, whenever you ask her, "Sonic Youth or pink shirt?"

She inevitably answers, "Pink shirt."

I wonder if she picks pink because she has always worn pink or because she really likes pink.

I'm impressed with Number One's use of the word "too," too. I've got a growing impression that "too" is underused.

"Papa go to park, too?" She'll ask.

"Momma, get up, too." She'll imperative.

I've always liked the way ", too." looked and sounded at the end of a sentence. So much better than "also."

This morning.

2009-05-27T14:47:00.002-05:00

The morning routine is that Number One wakes up and starts making noises for us to come get her out of her crib. I go get her and bring her back to our bed, where we have a little family time and Wife and I try to get a few more minutes in bed.

This morning, I brought Number One into the bed and laid back down as per usual. She had other ideas, though.

"Papa, get up now," she said.

Wife thought it was hi-larious.

Momma. Coffee.

2009-05-09T22:42:00.002-05:00

The other day, Mom and Number One took a walk to the coffee shop. When they got back, Mom went to check her email.

Number One climbed onto the kitchen table and helped herself to Mom's double mocha latte.

At least it was decaf.

"Give me money."

2009-05-04T22:17:00.001-05:00

Okay, it was funny at first.

But now it's starting to get a little out of control.

Clarification.

2009-05-03T21:18:00.003-05:00

Oh yeah, by "Hilarious," in the last post, what I meant was "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to teach her to say, 'Give me my money.'"

5-word phrase.

2009-05-03T01:13:00.001-05:00

Number One put it all together today.

"Papa, give me my money," she said.

Hilarious.

Copy cat.

2009-05-01T22:48:00.003-05:00

Number One pretty much repeats everything we say now - up to three words.

Thus, "Give me my money," is repeated as "Give me money," and "That's how I roll" is repeated as "That's how roll."

Pretty hilarious.

Yesterday, as I was leaving for work, The Wife said "Bye, honey."

Number One says, "Bye, honey."

Number Two.

2009-04-07T06:41:00.003-05:00

We found out yesterday that Number Two is a boy. Oh yeah, if I forgot to mention it, Momma's got another pot pie in the oven.

Now the naming gets tough. On my list are Stonewall, Thunderbolt and Rhome.

On her's - a bunch of sissy names.

I'm the man of the house. I get to decide this one.

Right?

Obligatory Texas Bluebonnet Picture.

2009-04-05T20:02:00.004-05:00

On our way back to Houston after visiting the G-Parents in Dallas this weekend, Number One had just fallen asleep (an hour and a half past her naptime) when she woke up abruptly and very upset. We needed to make a pit stop, so we pulled into a rest station just north of Huntsville.

Amazingly, it had a playground, which gave Number One a chance to stretch her legs and play long enough to tide her over for the remaining part of the trip. But more importantly, it had a photogenic patch of Bluebonnets.

I'd seen them all the way to Dallas and back - Texas in April, once you get past the urban sprawl, is really one of the most beautiful places on Earth - but I didn't want to be "that dad" that pulls over and shoots some pics of his kid on the shoulder of I-45. This, though, was my chance.

And so, I present to you, the Obligatory Kid in the Bluebonnets Photo.

Comforting.

2009-03-29T12:30:00.003-05:00

The other day, I was talking (IM'ing, actually) with my good friend who happens to live in Belgium and is expecting his first child this summer. It was about 3:45 a.m. in Brussels - Joe just happened to be up watching a Mizzou dominate Memphis in the NCAA tournament.

Momma, who was sitting next to me, made some crack about how watching basketball at 3:45 a.m. was "good practice for when that baby comes along."

"Comforting," was Joe's response.

At the time I couldn't think of much to say that would actually be of much comfort.

But this weekend, watching Number One run around and do all things she can do now, I realized that the real comfort is that before you know it, the baby becomes a child.

Sure, when you're in the middle of the Dark Time it seems like the little screamer will be a little screamer forever.

But they won't.

They'll start walking and running and talking and repeating words like "D-bag."

And now that we're expecting Number Two, that's comforting.

Trouble.

2009-03-02T22:02:00.006-06:00

The other day Number One was sitting in my lap and saying "ba!" and gesturing for emphasis. Given that "ba!" can mean several different things, I wasn't entirely sure what she was saying.

When I explained that I didn't know what she was talking about, she threw her hands up an rolled her eyes as if to say, "Oh, Papa, you are a poor dumb monkey."

Already?

Ups and downs.

2009-02-25T21:10:00.002-06:00

This morning, I stayed home with Number One while wife went to a doctor's appointment. We took a walk to the coffee shop. It was one of those beautiful winter mornings in Houston - sunny, about 75 degrees.

Watching Number One watching the world made me jealous of parents who get to spend each day with their kids.

We came home, shared a blueberry muffin. She laid down on her blanket. She took a nap.

Sweetest thing you've ever seen.

Tonight, I came home and sat down with her at dinner. She looked ready to burst into tears at any moment.

After dinner, into the bathtub. Total meltdown. No apparent reason. Only option was to get her into her pajamas and into to bed as fast as possible.

She's sleeping now.

Sweetest thing you've ever seen.

Two Words

2009-02-16T20:23:00.003-06:00

Number One has begun putting together two-word combos.

So far we've had:

No mo.

Mo gee bee. (More green beans)

and

All done.

My little wordsmith.

Teeth!

2009-02-08T16:23:00.002-06:00

We thought she'd be toothless forever, but Number One finally has some chompers coming in on both the top and the bottom. She's nearly 16 months now, and every other baby on the block got teeth long ago. We're so proud our little girl is growing up.

Last weekend Number One wanted some of Papa's coffee, so I gave her some. Mom was not amused. Number One, though, couldn't get enough. (Don't worry, I only gave her a couple of sips, and she's not got any since.)

Her newest fetish is pushing things. Wagons. Strollers. Other kids' toys. If it's got wheels, she'll push it. She can also walk backward now, which doesn't seem like a big thing until you see your kid do it for the first time.

New words: Down! Said to the cat who shouldn't be on the table.

A-ya, A-ya, A-ya, A-ya! "Sang" to the tune of "Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, I cleaned out my trailer for you."

The Inaugural Address.

2009-01-21T08:40:00.003-06:00

Hey, America,

For the last 16 years, you've acted like a spoiled, petulant schoolyard bully with no self control. You've been coddled by your touch-feely parents and full of "he started it" recriminations.

It's time to starting acting like an adult now.

Happy Inauguration Day.

2009-01-20T20:39:00.002-06:00

Number One doesn't know we have a new president. She does, however, say some random words like, "eyebrow." She loves "eyebrows."

Other favorite words: "painting," "clean," and "brown bear."

Also anything warmer than cold is "hot."

Baby talk.

2008-11-25T15:01:00.002-06:00

I used to be amazed when I would talk to a kid that couldn't really talk yet, and their parents would know what they were saying. It would go something like this:

Me: "Hey, buddy, what's going on?"

Kid: "Da!" (points).

Me: "Uhh, I don't really understand. What do you want?"

Kid: "Da!" (points again).

Me: "Um, I still don't know what you're saying."

Kid: "Da!" (growing irritated).

Kid's Parent: "He wants you to go over there and pick up the red ball and throw it to the dog."

It was always a mystery to me how so much could be divined from so little.

Now, though, Number One is saying quite a few words, all of them some variation of "Ba!" or "Da!" or "Ca!" and I'm starting to understand.

For example, "Ba!" when said when she's done eating dinner means, "I'm ready to go take my bath. Now!"

By contrast "Bo!" (with a short "o" like in "dog") almost always means "I'm going to go get a book, and then you're going to read it to me. Now!"

"Ca!" usually just means "Cat!"

Bring me the book.

2008-11-19T19:57:00.004-06:00

Number One can now understand and follow directions with amazing specificity.

Say, "Bring me Who Says Quack."

She looks around, finds the right book, and brings it to you.

Say, "Put your bib in the drawer."

She takes her bib, walks to the right drawer and puts her bib in it.

She is also starting to properly use a fork and spoon.

Un-fucking-believable.

Four thousand words.

2008-10-26T15:24:00.006-05:00

Mmmm. Cupcake.

Walking at the park.

Number One and Boy Cousin.

Hangin' with Auntie A and Girl Cousin.

Happy Birthday!

2008-10-24T22:36:00.003-05:00

Wow. It's hard to believe it's been a whole year.

Well, actually, a year and a day. A day late and a dollar short. That's how I roll as a Dad. Pretty awesome, right?

This time last year, I was trying to sleep with Number One balanced on my chest. Mom was afraid I'd drop her. I didn't. No way.

Now she walks. Has her own shoes. Follows me from room to room saying, "Da...da...da" over and over. She knows what I'm saying. Tries to tell me things. Is pretty fucking awesome.

She had one birthday party already with Boy Cousin. Tomorrow she's rocking her own party. A good time shall be had by all.

Poopy, poopity.

2008-10-16T22:12:00.000-05:00

So, most people probably think that we're crazy for trying to teach Number One how to use the potty on her own when she's less than one year old.

Still it's a total victory when I catch both a pee and a potty in the morning, like I did today. Boo-motherfuckin'-ya.

Cleaning up a potty bum is about 1000 times easier than the same bum if the potty had occurred in the nappy.

Even if she does end up anal retentive - it's worth it.

Post-Ike update.

2008-10-07T19:51:00.002-05:00

Let's see. What's happened in the last couple of weeks?

Oh, yeah. Hurricane. No power for 12 days.

Then there was something else...What was it?

That's it! Number One started walking! It's a natural disaster miracle! The doctors said she'd never walk again, but she showed them! I give a little thanks every day to that godforsaken Ike.

Not really. Well, really she is walking, but the doctors never told us she wouldn't. I made that up.

So what's the deal now? Does she have to start wearing shoes and stuff?

Innocence lost.

Ike

2008-09-12T19:42:00.002-05:00

We decided to ride out Hurricane Ike, and he's making his unwelcome arrival right about now.

Number One seems unphased by her first hurricane.

We actually had a nice day. The office was closed, and the weather was pretty nice all day. Went to the park. Number One spent some time crawling around in the grass, which she recently discovered and now loves.

It's actually getting pretty windy here now, but so far it looks like Ike isn't going to live up to the Cat 4 hype - despite what the national news is saying. I heard Geraldo fell down. I wish I could've seen that.

I'll update on the other side - assuming we have power.

Labor Day.

2008-09-01T20:01:00.002-05:00

Spent some QT with the Wife and Number One this weekend. I don't think people are really meant to work away from their family for 40 hours a week 50 weeks a year.

Sometimes I think Number One doesn't know she's a baby. She's now pretty much refusing to eat "baby" food if we're all having a meal together. So today, she had roast beef sandwich and broccoli cheese soup for lunch.

She also had her first brunch with the gay and fabulous on Sunday. She was mayjuh with the singles as they went happily drinking their bottomless mimosas between hangovers.

Been awhile.

2008-08-02T10:18:00.003-05:00

So it's been awhile since I last posted. I've been somewhat conflicted as to whether I should maintain this or let it go to reduce my online presence. The Internet is a crazy place.

Number One has been doing all sorts of new things. She's crawling, pulling up, eating grown-up food. All sorts of things.

She's still a shrimp. Smaller than almost every other baby we see, even most that are a couple of months younger than her. Dr. says she's fine, so I'm not going to even think about it anymore.

I'm thinking as she does more stuff and stuff I'll update the site with some anecdotes. For now, a haiku:

Eating spaghetti
With a spoon and fingers too
Dinner adventure

Knocking on Wood.

2008-04-23T09:50:00.002-05:00

So there was some dramatic news about Chinese-made drugs killing 81 people, and yesterday was Earth Day, and there's the whole continuing Clinton debacle, but I just don't care.

The world is beautiful once again.

Two nights in a row Number One has slept through the night. We're talking 7 p.m. to 7 a.m.

With no swaddle.

And last night she only cried for about 20 seconds when we put her in bed.

Sleeping baby equals happy Papa.

Swaddling, redux.

2008-04-17T13:12:00.004-05:00

Dear Anonymous (if that is indeed your name - not Miracle Blanket Corporation),

Who knew that swaddling would generate such a response? In fact, I didn't think two people who aren't Auntie A even read this.

Anyway, since I have been twice chastised, I will respond. It's not that I'm anti-swaddling generally, or that I think she'll go to college with a swaddle, or that I think there is permanent harm being done. I'm not a cry-it-outer. I want the little gal to sleep.

So, why the swaddle-debacle?

First (to the doula), she's a week away from six months old, not four months old. So Number One is getting pretty good with her hands. She's got some skills. But when she's all wrapped up she can't put her hand in her mouth or pick up her pacifier or do of the other things she's capable of doing to soothe herself. She just has to lay there and rely on Mom and Papa to give her the pacifier when it falls out of her mouth.

Second, if she wakes up before we do, she can't hang out in her crib and grab her feet or move around and be content because she's all wrapped up.

Finally, it seems like she hates getting wrapped up sometimes, so I want to unwrap her. It's because I think it will make things better - not worse. (Mom disagrees on this point, and I freely admit I could be wrong, here).

So don't be a hater, Anonymous. I'm just trying to keep the kid happy.

But failing apparently...

Swaddling.

2008-04-16T10:25:00.003-05:00

SuperWife and I have for some time been engaged in low intensity, guerilla warfare over the use of the so-called "miracle blanket."

Number One at times seems to hate the thing, which works like a baby straightjacket, but she can't seem to fall asleep without it.

I'm constantly taking her out of the thing, which infuriates SuperWife, who immediately re-wraps the kid.

"She can't fall asleep without it!" she says.

"I know she can't fall asleep without it," I say. "That's the problem."

Last weekend the swaddling debate blew up like Basra. Number One woke up 4 times Saturday night, and by Sunday afternoon it was like Sunni and Shia up in our house. SuperWife couldn't take it anymore:

"Swaddling is tearing this family apart!"

Sickness.

2008-04-09T20:32:00.004-05:00

Number One is sick for the first time in her short life. Fever. Congestion. Coughing. The whole works.

It's the saddest thing ever.

Plus, it's back to the bad ol' days. Screaming and crying and wailing and gnashing of teeth at bed time. Waking up three or four times last night.

Rough.

We took Number One to the Dr. on Monday. At the time, she was hardly sick at all, and the Dr. couldn't find anything wrong. The Dr. said she was "probably coming down with something." I was like, "Yes! We knew it even before the Dr. and even before she was actually sick. We're the best parents ever!"

My enthusiasm has dulled.

The Regulated Community will say the darndest things...

2008-04-01T09:03:00.002-05:00

"Calling it unrealistic for utilities, shareholders and consumers to "step up" and pay the price of curbing carbon dioxide and other unregulated greenhouse gases, Craig Hansen, a vice president for the energy technology firm Babcock & Wilcox, said yesterday that the industry needed Congress to offset the extra cost of building coal-fired power plants capable of capturing and storing carbon dioxide. In other words, the most direct path to carbon neutrality may be through the U.S. Treasury."

a) Why is it unrealistic for the producers of greenhouse gas emissions, the beneficiaries of utility profits, or the people who use the generated power to pay for pollution they are responsible for generating?

b) If "nobody" is paying the price of curbing greenhouse gas emissions, now, that simply means that the market is failing to properly price electricity. If the cost of greenhouse gas emissions are not reflected in electricity bills, then the market is failing to properly capture the price of climate change, and the cost is being passed on to the environment.

3) Hey, asshole, if Congress offsets the extra cost of building coal-fired power plants capable of capturing and storing carbon dioxide (a specious idea in the first place), utilities, shareholders and consumers will still pay for it. It's called taxes, and we all pay them (except maybe your welfare-loving corporation).

You probably hate "lazy welfare moms" but you'll sure suck up to the public tit for big business won't you?

Easter at the DQ

2008-03-29T07:11:00.004-05:00

(To be read in the voice of that lady at the Texas state fair wearing a magenta tube top, acid washed jeans and white tennis shoes, leading a pack of kids and saying, "No, Cletus, you cannot have another fried twinkie. As soon as your daddy gets done working his shift at the Tilt-a-Whirl, we're going to your Aunt Bobbie Jo's for supper. Now finish your corny dog.")

Last weekend, on Easter, we were driving back to Houston from Dallas, and Autie A and Uncle Deezie were driving back to Dallas from Houston, so we thought it would be fun if we met somewheres along the way.

Well, we ended up at the DQ in Fairfield, and I tell you, it was right nice. That Girl Cousin is growing like a weed. She's definitely her daddy's girl. I think she wanted to eat some of those tacos he was having - why he'll order tacos at the Dairy Queen I'll never know. 'Course then he ate what was left of Autie A's HungerBuster, too.

After supper we all had Blizzards before we got back on the road. I was gonna have a Dip Cone, but they said they couldn't dip right then. Something about something being too cold. I thought, of course it's cold - it's ice cream, dummies.

Anway, it sure was nice to see the in-laws and Girl Cousin. I know her and Number One are going to be thick as theives growing up.

Random Comments.

2008-03-21T08:28:00.002-05:00

Number One slept from 8 p.m. until 7 a.m. this morning. A welcome reprieve from her schedule earlier in the week - fuss until falling asleep at 9 p.m., wake at 3 a.m. for a feeding, and wake for good at 5:30 a.m. - just because she felt like it. It was rough.

Earlier this week, we visited some friends whose first daughter was born three weeks ago. Precious little thing. She's tiny still - probably no bigger than 7 pounds.

I remember when Number One was just a few weeks old and some friends visited us with their five-month old. We thought she looked like a giant. It was strange to see Number One as the big girl.

Mom tried to let Number One take a sip out of her cup the other day. Not so successful. But funny.

Milestone.

2008-02-27T19:39:00.001-06:00

I almost forgot one important milestone. She's figured out she hates Coldplay.

Four months.

2008-02-27T10:53:00.002-06:00

Number One had her four-month Dr. appointment yesterday. It's hard to believe it's been four months already.

According to the Dr. she's doing perfect. She's a little on the small side, but nothing to be worried about and she's growing regularly - hitting all her developmental milestones and whatnot. Dr. also answered all my paranoid questions, like "She seems to be lefthanded, do I need to try to use her right hand more so she gets adequate stimulation for both sides?" (Answer: No. Stop being a weirdo.)

As for the milestones, here's what we've got so far:

1. Transfers toys from one hand to the other.

2. Puts everything she can grasp in her mouth.

3. Much prefers standing to sitting, though Mom is encouraging sitting when Number One will comply.

4. She can hold her upper body erect when standing or sitting, but still needs some work on balance.

5. Cute as hell.

Mom is going with pure breastmilk until at least six months, so nothing to report on the feeding front.

Also, Number One had to get five shots in the leg. She was not happy, and I couldn't watch.

Responsibility.

2008-02-12T18:12:00.001-06:00

Responsibility is cleaning up the poop from something you feed.

It cracks me up when people who don't have kids say, "I know it's nothing like having a kid, but I have to do a lot things for my dog, blah, blah, blah..."

I usually tune out after "I know it's nothing like having a kid..."

Because the rest of it - yeah, they're right, it's nothing like having a kid.

Tourism.

2008-01-13T08:41:00.000-06:00

It's not often that I'm solely responsible for the health and well being of Number One (sure, I take her out shopping at least once a week, but I always know that I can make a mad dash for home should the situation get too far out of control), but today she was 100 percent my responsibility while SuperWife went to get her hair done.

The plan was I could work from home as time allowed. Fat chance. There was a minor emergency at work, but thankfully the word came down that it could wait until Monday. Still, even between naps, there was barely enough time to even sit down, much less accomplish any work. I've never pretended that taking care of a baby wasn't a full time job, but it never hurts to give more credit to the moms and dads who stay home to do this very tough work.

Moreover, as hard as I try to be a good involved dad, there's no denying that Mom knows Number One way better than I do. While I'm away at work all day, they're living together, learning each other's likes and dislikes, falling into a schedule that is, if not easy or comfortable, at least knowable to the two of them.

I'm just a tourist.

Fierce.

2008-01-04T21:09:00.000-06:00

I made this photograph of Number One this week. As Mom said, if we were "that kind of parent" she could be a baby model.

She's fierce, don't you think?

Tremendous Opportunity.

2007-12-31T10:40:00.000-06:00

Disney and the other so-called "children's entertainment" companies are excited about creating virtual worlds for kids online.

"There is a massive opportunity here,” said Steve Wadsworth, president of the Walt Disney Internet Group, in an interview last week with the New York Times.

Let's be clear - the "massive opportunity" Mr. Wadsworth is touting, is the opportunity to sell kids shit they don't need - and lots of it.

Apparently it's working:

“It’s really fun to buy whatever you want inside the game,” Nathaniel said in a telephone interview. For his penguin, “like for Christmas I bought a fireplace, a flat-screen TV and a Christmas tree,” he said.

Why does a penguin need a flat-screen TV if not only to convince a 9-year old boy that an overpriced television manufactured by a corporate affilitate is essential to his childhood?

The Holidays.

2007-12-28T05:15:00.001-06:00

The Holidays started the week before X-mas this year when Auntie A, Girl Cousin and the In Laws came to stay with us for a few days. It was the first time for us to meet Girl Cousin, who was born just eight days after Number One. She was delightful.

The girls had tummy time together. It sucked for them.

Given the potential for disaster with two infants in our little house, everything went amazingly well. The babies slept through the nights for the most part, and I didn't even talk politics with Mother In Law.

Then it was off to the Big D for four days of holiday fun...

All started out well and good, though I have to admit that chillin' in the car with the Wife breastfeeding behind the Arby's was not something I foresaw myself doing a year ago.

We made it to Omi's house, and after a quick visit to visit Sister and Boy Cousin - who is 12 days older than Number One and who we had also not met - we settled in for a long winter's nap. Or at least as long as she had been sleeping, which at that point was about nine hours.

From there, the sleeping went downhill as we traveled across the Metroplex and Number One's whole world was increasingly disrupted. Before the trip, she was sleeping for nine hour stretches starting at around 9:30 p.m.

Now, I'm blogging at 5:30 a.m., and I've been up for two hours, so I can't say that we're quite back on track.

Other than the sleep issues, the Holiday was wonderful.

Number One was, of course, the Belle of the Ball, meeting a whole family she never knew she had. The generosity of the Family and the In Laws was beyond compare, and we all had a very good time.

SuperWife got me a homebrewing kit, which I plan to put into action this weekend. I'm sure there will be more on this later...

I even had my first really serious hangover since Number One's arrival. I'm blaming Pop and his cigars. (Poor decision making and terrible parenting on my part were the real culprit.)

Success.

2007-12-21T11:48:00.001-06:00

I saved the whales.

Thank you, Japan, for responding to my request to not kill Humpback Whales. Now, could you please not kill the 1,000 other whales on your list?

Save the Whales.

2007-12-20T11:32:00.001-06:00

Seriously, Japan, leave the whales alone.

I mean really, why do you need to kill Humpback Whales? For fuel oil? Just to be dicks about it?

"Save the Whales" is one of those phrases that gets thrown around like its the stupidest thing they've ever heard by people who are politically motivated to think destruction of the environment is cool.

But really, what's the problem with saving whales? It's not like it costs us anything. Or that the world can't survive without whale-based products. Or that we can't build a new suburb or Big Box shopping center because whales are in the way.

You don't even have to do anything to save the whales - except not kill them. (Not like recycling, which is such a pain in the lifestyle.)

There is literally no drawback to saving the whales.

So why the hate for the whale savers?

Programming note: Stay tuned for more of the adventures of Number One in the next episode when Girl Cousin and the G-Parents come to town.

Global Warming.

2007-12-14T09:36:00.000-06:00

Just because Al Gore says global warming is happening, doesn't mean it's not.

Up, Down.

2007-12-09T17:52:00.001-06:00

I got to tell you - the beginning of last week was not good. Mom and Number One were in a constant battle, it seemed. Was she eating enough? Too much? What was the problem?

So, Thursday we went to the Pediatrician - who is awesome by the way. Everything is fine. She's gaining weight. Babies are just like that. Call me next Tuesday if it's still horrible.

Since then, she's been a joy. Mom has been less stressed. Number One has been happy as a lark. She even rolled over from her tummy to back for the first time.

Parenthood is going to suck be really awesome.

China.

2007-12-05T21:08:00.000-06:00

I don't like China. I know it's not very cool to say you don't like a whole country, but it's true. And it's not that I don't like Chinese people - the few I've met were perfectly fine people. And I'm all about the Eastern philosophies.

It's the Chinese Communist/Capitalist dictatorship that I don't like. It's an oppressive and nasty regime. And yet, the American government seems to tolerate it because a few multinationals are making a bazillion dollars taking advantage of what amounts to government slavery.

And then there's the environment.

Despite my best efforts to remain positive and believe that people are about to turn the corner and do the right thing, stories about China always depress me. When I read about China, it's hard for me not to get discouraged to the point of futility.

Usually, I don't even read the stories anymore. I read the headline and think, "Oh, China is fucking some more shit up..."

What else do I need to know?

Mojo Nixon.

2007-12-03T19:54:00.000-06:00

I don't know if they've done any studies on the effects of rock n' roll on infants, but I hope I'm not stunting her development.

In the evenings, we've found that one of Number One's favorite activities is Dance Party with Papa. She particularly likes the Ramones. She can go from fussy to passed out during I Wanna Be Sedated.

On the plus side, it's been a great chance for me to dig into my collection and find some old favorites.

Tonight she totally got into Mojo Nixon and the Toad Liquors.

Are you drinking with me, Jesus? Indeed.

Being a New Dad.

2007-12-03T15:10:00.000-06:00

Being a New Dad is hard. And time consuming.

The good news is Number One likes the hammock almost as much as I do.

This week's news.

2007-12-01T16:58:00.001-06:00

It seems like during the week I hardly have time to post anything, so here's the highlight reel...

Last night Number One was so tired she didn't want to go to sleep. She had been fuss-crying for about two hours, and by about 11 p.m., Mom and I were getting on to our rope's end. Finally, I got Number One to drift off to sleep - in her crib no less.

Then she slept until almost 6 a.m.

It. Was. Awesome.

Superwife decided I have the magic touch.

The other day I was holding Number One right after she had been fed, and she let loose what I can only describe as a Muppet Vomit.

Without warning, she opened her mouth, and half-digested milk shot out like, well, like if a Muppet projectile vomited. Seriously, there was no warning, no apparent strain on her part, and just like that, it was over - imagine if Kermit threw up and then acted like nothing happened.

Number One and I made our first solo trip out of the house this morning. A trip to Whole Foods for the weekly shopping. It was victoriously uneventful.

36 - 28.

2007-11-24T22:54:00.000-06:00

Rock chalk, you lousy, overrated, chumps.

Firsts.

2007-11-24T14:14:00.000-06:00

Number One took her first couple of bottles of pumped b-milk yesterday. No fuss, no problem. A relief for all involved - especially Mom.

Omi and Rick were in town this weekend to visit Number One, and I needed a hair cut, so the collective decision was made to make a family outing of it.

It was a day of firsts for Number One. She got to wear pants. Go somewhere that wasn't the grocery store (the first trip to the market was on Wednesday). And go to a restaurant.

The restaurant - a half-way upscale sushi spot - was the trickiest part, obviously. Would she cry? How would the waitstaff react? What would we do if she went full-on apoplectic? Would we be "those parents" who dared have a screaming baby in a grown-up eating establishment?

Aside from some initial awkwardness with the 17-year-old hostess ("Does your party of four include the baby?" "Um, no. There are clearly four adults here, and the baby will not need her own chair...") everything went perfectly. Number One slept the whole time, we had a nice lunch, and instead of being "those parents" we were the parents with Such a Good Baby.

Victories!

The Environment, Introduction.

2007-11-24T07:16:00.000-06:00

Don't call me a Treehugger. Because I'm not. I'm a corporate attorney at a large law firm that defends industrial polluters against enforcement actions brought by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.

Don't call me an Eco-freak, or Enviro, or Stinkin' Hippie. Because I'm not. I negotiate slaps on the wrist, and influence regulatory agencies to write rules that are lax on industry.

But don't say "The Environment" like it's a smear like "liberal" or (god-forbid) "socialized medicine."

The environment is apolitical. Rivers don't catch on fire because of Democrats. And clouds of toxic pollutants don't just kill Republicans. We all breath the air, and drink the water, and want our kids to have the opportunity to see wildlife in its native habitat.

But the Politicians have made The Environment political. (The Environment is a political construct, the environment is where we all live.) They have convinced the 95 percent of Americans who know little or nothing about the environment that people are either liberal, treehugging, Environmentalists (the worst smear); or they are freedom-loving, god-fearing Americans. (Americans do not want The Government protecting the Spotted Owl at the expense of the corporate bottom line - I mean the jobs of hardworking loggers.)

And when I say 95 percent of Americans know nothing about the environment, I don't mean it as an insult - I understand, that most people have other things to worry about. All I mean is that most people don't actually know what is being emitted from factories or in what quantities (actually, quite a lot of bad stuff), and they don't know what is being done about it. Which is not to say that they should. Environmental professionals can spend their whole career working on just a piece of the Clean Air Act.

If I could do one thing to improve the environment, I would de-politicize it so that we can all figure out how to live in a cleaner, healthier place. Because if The Environment continues to be political tool wielded in the battle between Democrats and Republicans, "Liberals" and "Conservatives," Hippies and Corporate Fascists, the only thing that will suffer will be all of us.

New Clothes.

2007-11-17T10:05:00.001-06:00

Pop and Grammy are coming today, so Number One gets to wear a skirt for the first time. Who knew a jean skirt from the Gap could look so Amish?

I told SuperWife that I'm thinking of converting to Amishism to set a good example for Number One (Part of my long-term strategy to keep her away from those damn teenage boys). She was skeptical.

Changing Expectations.

2007-11-17T06:38:00.000-06:00

I somehow thought that when I became a parent I would start believing all sorts of parent-like things, like that Zero Tolerance is a good policy in schools or that we should have 1,000 junky plastic toys all over the house.

But it's not true. I'm still the same guy with the same crazy ideas - only now I have a kiddo.

Maybe its because the parents I most associate with parenthood are those that I saw growing up in the suburbs, and they all seemed to think the same. But maybe that's just how I remember things.

Maybe it's like quitting smoking. Some (most) people after they quit act like they're repulsed by the very idea of smoking and go on a campaign to convert all of their smoking (former) friends. Me, I still think smoking's cool and sometimes wish I could still do it. In fact, I encourage smokers to keep it up.

Which brings me to a sort of related topic. I was talking to a client yesterday, and we were going through the whole New Baby spiel. I said what SuperWife oftens says, "People always tell you that your life will be totally different, but you don't really understand until they're born."

And the client (a man) said: "And they almost always say it as a negative. They never talk about all the wonderful ways it will change."

Most of the men in my office say things like: "To be honest, after two weeks at home with a screaming baby, you'll be glad to come back to work."

Let's be honest. That's a fucking lie.

Smile.

2007-11-13T18:37:00.000-06:00

I came home from work for lunch today, and Number One was ready for a nappy change right on schedule. So to the changing table we went, and she, of course, does her best fountain impression.

So two diapers later, she's changed and re-dressed.

Then she looks up at me, appears for the first time to have real recognition, and smiles the biggest grin you've ever seen.

It was maybe the coolest thing that's happened to me ever.

Milk money.

2007-11-09T10:30:00.000-06:00

Papa: Good morning, Number One. I hope you enjoy being two weeks old, because, next week you're going to have to start learning the difference between the Cubists and the Dadaists.

Number One: Why?

Papa: Because if you don't start learning art movements, common literary themes and quantum physics, now, you'll get behind. Then you'll never get into a good pre-school; you'll never get into Harvard; and you'll never be an investment banker.

Number One: The only thing I want is milk. Why do I need to be an investment banker?

Papa: Because you need to buy designer milk in fancy packaging.

Number One: ???

Aqua Beads.

2007-11-08T08:28:00.000-06:00

Aqua Beads are super mega awesome!*

So are the eight other toys recalled today. It was a bad day for Schylling (you can't make these names up), which had five toys recalled, including this robot from the future:

And even I might have bought this rad toy funny car (the irony keeps coming). Naw. I'm not a Mopar guy...

* Caution: Aqua Beads are a product of the Children Loving Repbulic of China (motto: We don't kill our baby girls, and we won't kill yours!) and may contain GHB, a.k.a. The Date Rape Drug. Any claims of super mega awesomeness reflect only the views of China where "super mega awesome" means "will cause child to go into a non-responsive coma." Aqua Beads should only be used When She Is Asking For It.

Back to Work.

2007-11-06T16:59:00.000-06:00

I'm back at the real job, now, working for The Man. I would much rather be at home changing nappies.

Anyway, Number One had her two-week appointment today. I scored an exact hit with my prediction that she would be up to 8 pounds. Mom was skeptical at my guess, but was happy that the little one is now well above her birth weight.

This means that now Mom doesn't have to set the alarm every three hours for feedings during the night. We can just let Number One sleep until she wakes up howling for the bosom. I'm not sure if it will be an improvement overall, but maybe we'll get lucky... No... I'm not even going to say it... Knock on wood for even thinking it...

Diaper quest.

2007-11-03T06:13:00.000-05:00

First, I'm peeved again at the Baby Industrial Complex. Then a discussion of nappies.*

All through the pregnancy, there is the litany of magazines and the gift registering and the Babies R Us telling you all about all of things you "need" to have before the baby arrives. It's nonsense.

It's like how they tell you that you need this or that for the perfect wedding, but when it comes down to it, the only thing you really need is someone else who will say "I do."

With Number One, here's what we've "needed" so far:

1. Car seat. (Actually, I'm glad I spent a fair amount of time researching this, but the information at car-safety.org was much more helpful than anything I found in any magazine's buyer's guide. Them folks in the Forums are obsessed with car seats.)

2. Our Bugaboo Frog (Admittedly, probably not something that we need, but we use it all the time. Number One sleeps in it in bassinet mode day and night, and it's super convenient to put her in while we cook and eat dinner, etc. I can honestly say that it's been one of the most useful things we have.)

3. Some clothes that fit and aren't totally off the Cute Scale. My current favorite is this kimono-style bodysuit. It opens up, so it's easy to get her into it without pulling it over her head.

4. And finally, nappies and wipes. As chief nappy changer, this is the one area in which I'm becoming competent and moderately knowledgeable.

In the hospital, we had the standard-issue Pampers, which were fine, but to me, smell much too strongly of deodorant and whatever other chemicals they put in them to make them impervious to moisture. Not to mention the Elmos and the whatnot all over them. The quest begins.

The first option was cotton. Before Number One arrived, I enrolled us with a diaper service for cloth diapers. I find them to be only marginally more trouble than disposables, but I haven't got total buy-in from Mom yet. They're a little bulky, but Number One seems to be slightly happier when I first put them on. The dry, breathable cotton on a freshly-wiped bum seems much nicer than the air-tight disposables.

The only drawback is they don't wick away the moisture like the disposables, so you have to be right on top of things with your changes. Unfortunately, Number One doesn't always let us know right away when there's an issue, so it's hard to know sometimes if we're changing her fast enough.

The National Association of Diaper Services has a ton of information on using cloth on their site. I'm still positive on the cloth, but it looks like it might ultimately depend on Mom after I go back to work.

I've also been using the Seventh Generation, chlorine-free variety. These fit well, don't smell like a chemical factory, and seem to be a good compromise between cloth and disposables. Obviously, they're not totally "green" (whatever that means), but I like supporting a corporation that at least purports to care about the environment. Also, they seem to be far less toxic overall than the Pampers-Huggies varieties. I won't reinvent the wheel here, because MamaStories has already posted a ton of research on this topic.

As for wipes, we've also been using the Seventh Generation, but she goes through so many that I want to make sure I'm using the gentlest ones we can find. It's astounding at how many times in a row she can go...and spaced just awkwardly enough...just when you think it's safe to put on the clean nappy...

More on this later.

Things we have yet to need: pack and play; play mat or anything else with sounds or bells and whistles; a swing; pretty much everything else they're selling.

* Really, this post was intended to deal only with diapers, but then I started thinking about how nappies are the one thing that occupy most of my time with Number One and how everything else has mattered very little. Needless to say the post morphed into how they sell, sell, sell you crap you don't need while neglecting the things that you really do.

Exciting Halloween.

2007-10-31T21:01:00.001-05:00

Congratulations to Brother- and Sister-in-Law on the birth of their new daughter. A real beautiful baby girl.

Number One now has cousins 12 days older and 8 days younger than her. It's an October Miracle!

So cool.

2007-10-31T20:58:00.000-05:00

She's even more punk than me even.

A couple of photos.

2007-10-29T17:02:00.000-05:00

We thought we were through with the phototherapy, but Dr. said to do a couple more hours after her bili test came back a tad higher than on Saturday. Here's she is as Baby One from Outer Space. It looks like it's uncomfortable, but she slept through it like there was nothing going on.

Papa says black is the new pink.

3 a.m.

2007-10-28T03:10:00.000-05:00

It's my shift. I usually get the time after the 1 a.m. feeding, when for some reason, she refuses to go back to sleep. After the next feeding, she'll probably sleep the rest of the morning. Unfortunately, that's about the time Mom and I wake up.

It's been a fairly eventful day. She's past her jaundice, so no more light therapy - I know, you didn't even know she had light therapy, but it's gone now.

She had her first bath, which was fairly uneventful, shockingly.

And then at the last changing, she officially made the switch from brown to green. V. exciting. I'm hoping it will mean a change in habits, too, because for the last half-day she has decided it was fun to make 4 dirty nappies in a row with a little in each rather than save it up.

Fine by me, except a) she hates having her nappy changed, and b) it uses up a lot of nappies.

I've tried a couple of times to use cloth nappies, and she's wearing one right now. She doesn't seem phased by it.

Right now, they're definitely more bulky than the Pampers, but I'm pretty sure that bothers me more than it does her.

Why cloth, you may ask? Well, I'm trying to be more environmentally friendly, which hopefully will be a part this blog. What can I do to use more products made in the United States in a more environmentally responsible way - that kind of thing.

She's back to sleep now, so I'm hoping to take advantage.

New job.

2007-10-27T12:04:00.000-05:00

I started my new job this week.

Number One was born on Tuesday, October 23, 2007, at 4:48 p.m. Mom and baby did awesome. She's a beautiful little girl, which is obvious from the pic.

Mom's water broke at about 3 a.m., but she wasn't quite ready to commit so we went back to sleep for a couple of hours. When things had not gone back to normal by the time we woke up again at 7 a.m., she called the doctor who told us to head to the hospital. We arrived at about 9 a.m., and because the doctor didn't want labor to last too long with Mom's water broke, Mom was started on pitocin.

Our nurse was Iranian, and joked that she was giving Mom the "Persian Pitocin," which apparently is particularly potent.

Then Labor really started. If you haven't seen it before, it's painful to watch. Luckily, Mom was already 5 cm dilated, so she didn't have far to go.

Number One was born a few hours later.

Another day at the office. Right.

Since then, I've been promoted to chief nappy changer. It was decided Mom giveth; Baby maketh, and Papa taketh away.

Thus far, I haven't gained any particularly worldly or witty wisdom, but I'll keep you posted.

Final Countdown.

2007-10-20T15:45:00.000-05:00

Until last Monday, we were perfectly content to bide our time and wait for Number One to arrive as a Scorpio. Sure, we hoped she might come a few days early and be born on Halloween, but we (well, at least I) weren't expecting her to arrive in Week 37 (or 38 - is the due date the last day or first day of Week 40?).

Anyway, since Dr. told us she could come literally at any moment, the pressure's been on. Every time the phone rings, I expect it to be SuperWife calling for her ride to the hospital. So far, though, no dice.

Maybe a haiku will help:

Come out Number One
Everyone wants to meet you
And womb rent is due

By the Numbers.

2007-10-19T08:20:00.000-05:00

For those of you interested in stats. At the last Dr. appointment 2 weeks ago, SuperWife was at 1 cm and 50% effaced.

On Monday this week, she was at 3 cm and 80% effaced. Dr. said Number One could come at anytime, and she might see us at the hospital before the next appointment.

Here it is 5 days later and no baby.

Any bets on the over/under?

New Baby!

2007-10-12T16:37:00.001-05:00

Congratulations to Sister and her husband who had a bouncing baby boy yesterday. By all accounts everyone is doing great. Now I'm an Uncle!

With Number One on the way, and the In-Laws expecting at the same time, it's going to be a birth-filled few weeks.

Baby Einstein follow-up.

2007-10-12T16:33:00.000-05:00

I've got to do better about watching less of the Idiot Box, myself, because when Number One arrives, off it goes. Here's a story this week from the Washington Post apropo of last week's post, To wit:

"Some child development experts say it is highly unlikely babies know what to make of commercial baby videos, which they describe as a noisy, rapid-fire melange of images, sounds and words in multiple languages that seem to have little connection to one another but may be attention-grabbing.

"Babies can barely recognize objects at all," Zimmerman said. A picture of a horse and a bouncing cow to illustrate the concept "farm" -- along with the word "farm," which they cannot read, is likely to be baffling, he said.

"A 1-year-old is not going to learn to read: They don't have the cognitive architecture."

Lifetime Ban.

2007-10-05T16:48:00.000-05:00

In light of the recent recall of Baby Einstein blocks, I'm instituting a lifetime ban on all Baby Einstein products for Number One.

You may question whether such a ban is necessary. I offer the following:

1. The recall.

2. Kids who watch Baby Einstein videos are dumber than those who do not. And in response, the Disney company attacks American Idol.

3. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that kids watch zero hours of t.v. before age two - which probably makes it hard to sell DVDs to kids who shouldn't be watching them.

4. Disney is Satan. After all, God hasn't lifted his ban of Disney, why should I?

Breastfeeding.

2007-09-30T14:26:00.000-05:00

Heretofore, my breastfeeding reading has been limited to articles about how it's the best thing in the world - smarter kid, helps Mom recover from birth, increases immunity, can help the Texans win games - but I haven't spent much time learning about the actual mechanics of the thing. I figured I wouldn't be doing it, so what good is it going to be if I know all about it?

Well, I just spent about 10 minutes reading the Basics of Breastfeeding, and I'm reminded yet again, of how men are the weaker sex. Do you know any man who could nurse? 10 times a day? 15 minutes on each breast? After giving birth?

There would have to be football on t.v. 24 hours a day; no man would ever go back to work after just six weeks, and they'd demand to be paid their full salary for at least six months.

For the Haters.

2007-09-26T13:55:00.000-05:00

It seems that some readers are concerned that I have anger issues, and you say you want me to write about happy things. So in a post of shameless pandering, here are some things, in no particular order, I like about being a dad-to-be:

1. The look of equal parts pity and envy you get from Older Dads whose daughters are mostly grown.

2. Thinking about lazy Sundays working on the hot rod or just laying in the hammock with Number One.

3. Feeling Number One squirm as she tries to find a way out of The Womb.

4. Our Bugaboo Frog.

5. The generally useful and almost always genuine advice you get from other New Parents.

6. Trying to figure out her name.

7. Going through it all with SuperWife - who knows.

8. How if you play with a kid in the neighborhood, everybody says, "Oh, he's going to be such a great dad."

9. Continuing my pre-fatherhood hobby of complaining about miserable junk like Parenting Magazine and "The Expectant Father." What a piece of crap that book is...

Parenting. The Magazine.

2007-09-20T22:40:00.000-05:00

Where to start with the free copy we received in the mail. How about with the top of the front cover - "What matters to moms."

Last time I checked, "parenting" includes fathers. And, despite the best efforts of certain men to the contrary, "parenting" matters to dads, too.

Let's be honest, Parenting Magazine, you're just a shill for Disney, Pampers and Pantene. Half the articles are about "your beauty update," which I'm pretty sure does not apply to me, and the other half are condescending and degrading to women even as they attempt to pander to them.

SuperWife looks just as beautiful now in her eighth month of pregnancy as she ever has, and you're pushing beauty products on her? No wonder women in this country have body-image issues. Shut up and leave my wife and daughter alone.

And apparently, the new girls' night out includes "knitting" and "cooking" (emphasis in original). Are you fucking kidding me? Knitting and cooking? Did it somehow become 1950 while I wasn't looking?

Not to mention that every time I look at the rag, all I can think about are all the poor kids whose stage moms and dads have decided they want to cash in on their kids semi-cute looks before they get ugly and resentful.

(Given that this is my first rant against the Baby Industrial Complex's anti-dad bias, I think I've now officially joined the ranks of the angry dad bloggers.)

No class.

2007-09-09T09:15:00.000-05:00

We went to our basic infant care class yesterday. First of all, I was the only guy there wearing actual shoes. Every other guy there was wearing some sort of sandal. And they didn't all look like hippies. One was even an Aggie that made his wife leave early so they wouldn't miss too much of the game. So close, Fresno State.

Second of all, we suck at swaddling. SuperWife blamed it on the blanket - too big, she said. But I'm pretty sure that we could have had a blanket custom fitted to our little fake baby, and we still wouldn't have got it. We definitely need some swaddling practice before Number One arrives.

And then of course, there was Macho Dad two tables over whose swaddle was so tight you could've bounced a quarter off it. You could tell he took every such challenge as a threat to his masculinity. Congratulations, champ, your swaddles would pass Marine Corps inspection. Now put on some regular shoes.

Other than that class was great. We sat in the back, laughed at the cross-eyed babies in the video and generally acted like delinquents. We're going to be awesome parents.

Cuteness, clarified.

2007-08-27T22:33:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that there is some confusion regarding the Cute threshhold. I'll clarify.

The maximum Cute that will be accepted is four points. (Upon reconsideration, I raised it one point.)

I stand by the statement, though, that outfits should be limited to two Cutes. A romper like this in a primary color comes in at a perfectly respectable one point. And, this one comes in at negative 1.

Yes, points can be deducted for anti-Cute.

It's like golf. The lower the score the better.

The grandma-20-point-comment was simply hyperbole.

Cuteness.

2007-08-26T15:49:00.000-05:00

Ostensibly, this will be yet another lame daddy blog, but since Number One isn't going to be born for a couple of more months, I've got to post about something. So here you go.

Actually, this is important, so pay attention.

I'm instituting a point system for all baby clothes - and girl clothes especially (because we're having a girl, duh). From now on, each piece of baby clothing will be scored by Cute points. Under this new system, each unit of Cute is worth one point, and only clothes with three or fewer Cute points will be accepted.

I don't care if you are my Grandmother, if you give me one more thing with 20 Cute points, I'll throw it right back in your face. I mean it.

First, given that baby clothes are made, in point of fact, for babies, which are inherently cute, each article of clothing starts out with one point. A point is also automatically awarded for any piece of clothing that is primarily pastel. So, right off the bat, almost every stitch of baby clothing gets two points.

Then for each bunny, chick, butterfly, heart, flower, you get the point, another point is awarded. If it's a flower or butterfly pattern, that's probably just one point per pattern, but additional points may be awarded depending on the Cute in question. A point will also be awarded for each superfluous fashion feature, such as a ruffles or lace on the collar or sleeve.

Take this for example. It gets one point for being baby Cute, and another for being pink. There's two more for the bear and the bunny, and two more for the chicks. One for the random collar, and another for being half-pink, half-white (a judgment call, I'll admit, but I'm going with it). That's eight Cute points for just one outfit.

For the love of god, people, no outfit should have more than two.

Stop the ultra-Cute.

Think about it.

2007-08-25T16:44:00.001-05:00

I'll get back to you.

Here goes nothing.

2007-08-25T16:31:00.000-05:00

Well, here it is. Post numero uno. Not that exciting really, now that its out there. Just another blog in an Internet full of blogs. Do you think 1,000 monkeys could have come up with this? Maybe I am 1,000 monkeys. Or is it more than that? Monkeys, I mean.

Anyway, I guess I'll at least add a link to something fun. It's about Jimmy Carter and a rabbit. How could that not be fun?